3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
