I think my vagina is haunted
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
