there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
