Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
