even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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