Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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