Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
