5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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