hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
