she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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