life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
