Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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