my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
