She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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