I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
