I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
