I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
