I just cut my nipple shaving
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
