I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
