There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
