my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
