Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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