My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
And then he peed in my hair
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