he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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