I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
