I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
