but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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