this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
