How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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