i love accidental penises.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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