i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
