OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
