You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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