Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
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They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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