turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
