Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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