My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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