when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
