hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
