I think im going to throw up on grandma
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Randomize
