I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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