just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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