Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
