For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
