I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
