all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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