i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
