sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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