did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am available for nakedness
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
