i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
