Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
