I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there