I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
