the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
