I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
