I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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