that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
