I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
